“You must be swift as a coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon.”

This is a follow-up to my previous mimbo-lists. Nothing was more enjoyable than poking fun at the types of ballplayers who mousse their hair and frequently use words such as “dude,” “totally,” and “vibe” together in the same sentence. Nonetheless, I feel it only fair to write a post recognizing the players sat the opposite end of the spectrum; the manly, the gritty and the brainy. I have selected six men to represent these various different standards. Here they are, in random order.

David Eckstein (San Diego Padres) He may be past his prime, but when I think of the small scrappy guys, I still think of David Eckstein. He represents that whole lot for me…

C.C. Sabathia (New York Yankees) I pick Mr. Sabathia to represent the set of players that could eat David Eckstein whole if they wanted.

Craig Breslow (Oakland Athletics) Mr. Breslow is probably the smartest big-league player out there. He graduated from Yale with a degree in molecular biophysics and biochemistry. Kinda makes you wonder what he’s doing in a bullpen in Oakland…

Zack Greinke (Kansas City Royals) As most know, Mr. Greinke was afflicted by mental health issues earlier in his career, but has risen above them and is now a refreshing, fun kind of crazy. Some of the things that come out of his mouth are just priceless

There definitely will be flying cars, but whether there’ll be flying cars for most people to use, it’ll probably take a long time to straighten everything out, all the rules and hassles. It’ll take a while to figure out how to keep people from crashing into each other.

Koyie Hill (Chicago Cubs) If you are not familiar with what happened to this man during the ’07 offseason, please read this. Even if you are familiar with Koyie’s story… read it anyway. Here are a couple good excerpts:

Alone in his basement, his pregnant wife Meghan upstairs, Hill let out a scream. When he pulled his hand back, there were empty spaces where his fingers should have been.

“All of them were hanging by a thread or nerve or piece of skin somehow,” he said. “My pinkie was completely off, except for maybe a sliver of skin, and it was hanging down somewhere in my wrist area. My ring finger was kind of in the same situation – it was dinged out, laying toward the side.

Nothing could have prepared Hill for what happened in his basement. But to hear how he responded is to understand how he was able to make it back. His reaction when he looked at his mangled hand?

“It’s funny,” he said, “but I’ve always been able to handle those situations calmly. It was kind of surreal at first, but it was something I didn’t panic over. It was, ‘OK what do I need to do now?’

Upon arriving at the hospital, Hill, his hand wrapped in a bloody towel, calmly ticked off his insurance information to the woman sitting behind the registration desk.

“She said, ‘Let’s take a look,’ ” he said. “I think she thought I just nicked it or something. When I showed her, she turned green. Things started happening quick.”

Whew. The whole thing blows my mind. Koyie also has a good heart, and is confident enough in his manhood to joke about riding a tandem bicycle around the city with teammate Mike Fontenot.

Josh Hamilton (Texas Rangers) Nothing really says “anti-mimbo” like a tattoo-covered drug addict turned born-again Christian.

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2 thoughts on ““You must be swift as a coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon.”

  1. I am fascinated with the CC and Prince Fielder/cheeseburger picture. Did you photoshop that yourself? If so, please remember that:

    1. Prince doesn’t have googly eyes. I have heard that stack of money from the Geico commercials has threatened to break his knees if he tries to capitalize on his googly eyes niche market.

    2. His legs look horrible and he is rather sensitive about such things.

    3. He is a vegetarian and Peta has threatened to break his knees for walking around in a cheeseburger costume.

    Long story short, he wants to keep his knees (no matter how ugly they are).

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