“He looks like he’s in pain, [but] he can’t say it.”

If you’ve ever been to a major-league baseball game, or visited any number of baseball related websites, you’ve seen them. I’m referring to those player profile photos… you know the ones. They appear in publications and on jumbotrons across the nation. I am certain that, like me, you have noticed these photos, and how terrible they can be. When I say terrible, I mean TERRIBLE. Just, bad bad bad. You would think the Major Leagues could do better. As long as they can’t, though, why not go ahead and make this tantalizing fodder into a fun l’il game?

The object of the “game” is simply to make up situations based on the player’s facial expressions. Is he in pain? Tired? Bloated? Intoxicated? The more creative the better.

Here’s a first round, in which I’ve used pictures from previous years (the 2010 batches should be coming soon.) Feel free to comment with your own captions.

Ryan Theriot – The Riot has been driving for 24 hours straight and also has a case of the sniffles. He is hopped up on caffeine, cold medicine, and gummy worm sours. He has all but lost the will to find another station when Phil Collins starts playing on the radio.

Jose Reyes – Just saw his first shooting star.

Heath Bell – Heath tried to stuff a few boxes of twinkies in his jacket leaving the 7-11 and got busted. This is his mugshot.

Troy Tulowitzki – “Look at the bunny, Troy! Looook at the bunny! Theeere’s a smile! Keep looking at the bunny! Goood boy!” *Click, click, flash*


Johan Santana – Just received some vaccinations. He didn’t cry, and is accepting his lollipop proudly and tremblingly.

Mike Fontenot – Someone just called his mama fat. Look out.

Henry Blanco – Henry is tied to a chair and (off camera) all his family is tied as well. They have been captured by murderous pirates on the high seas. At this moment, several of the captors are holding machine guns to Henry’s family while one of them is shouting at him, “SMILE! Or they all die!

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3 thoughts on ““He looks like he’s in pain, [but] he can’t say it.”

  1. Ha, these are good. I wish I could remember some of the others I’ve seen. Al Yellon at Bleed Cubbie Blue puts up pre-game threads and uses the player photos. Some of them are amazing. I want to say Sean Gallagher had a pretty funny one. Oh, and Tom Gorzelanny is always good for a laugh.

  2. Hahaha! I love it! You made me laugh! You’re so creative! I always wondered why they couldn’t get a half-decent photo. Sometimes it doesn’t even look like the player!

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