Baseball blogs from here to San Jose are making projections for the coming season. I have decided to join their ranks; to add to the noise. However, while other publications are playing violins, clarinets, and baby grand pianos, I like to think my predictions are more akin to the noise of a kazoo (cheap, colorful, and -quite frankly- more fun.)
Today, I present you with my calculations for the four AL West clubs, and the five NL West ones. Let’s get right to it!
National League West – Is it just me, or does this division see more fluctuation than any other? It seems like all of these teams have been both very good and very bad in recent years. So who can tell?
San Francisco Giants: As if he wasn’t already San Franciscoey enough, Tim Lincecum will begin wearing flowers in his hair.
Los Angeles Dodgers: Manny Ramirez’s hair is going to come to life and try to strangle him in the night so it can free itself forever and return to its home planet. Vin Scully will continue to like Sam Fuld a whole lot.
Colorado Rockies: [Insert humidor joke here.]
Arizona Diamondbacks: Chris Young will not hit a homerun off of Ted Lilly this season. Mark Reynolds will register five strikeouts in a single game… four times. BUM BUM BUM! Ryan Roberts will meet and befriend a real diamondback.
American League West – Major League Baseball’s tiniest division should be interesting to watch this season. Any of these teams has a fair chance. Well, not Oakland so much. But since I look upon the A’s with a friendly eye, I’ll not exclude them.
Seattle Mariners: Milton Bradley will find a way to blame a midseason slump on Chicago. Franklin Gutierrez will catch a falling star and put it in his pocket. David Aardsma will continue to lead all major league players alphabetically. The M’s might just sneak into the playoffs. (Did I just make a serious call? Whoops!) Ichiro will forget that he ever even had a last name, further cementing his status as the Cher of baseball.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Following a horrible first-half performance, real angels will appear on the field to aid the LA ballplayers. With the angels help, the Angels will be propelled to- and win- the Fall Classic, where Air Bud will be named the series MVP.
Texas Rangers: On June 11th, Rich Harden will throw a 2-hit shutout in Milwaukee (if this comes true, you all owe me a Yoo Hoo.) Michael Schlact will continue to win everyone over with his Twittery charm. Like every other New Market Rebel alumni in the majors, I predict that Chris Ray will be awesome.
Oakland Athletics: Marcus McBeth will rocket to super-stardom. Cubs fans will continue to pine for Michael Wuertz. Once again, Kurt Suzuki will prove definitively that he is the A’s MVP. Once again, Bob Geren will somehow fail to realize this.
Stay tuned! East and Central projections are coming soon!