Predictorama 2010: Central Time

Welcome to the final installment of my 2010 division projections! I have covered the East and West, all that remain are the clubs in the AL and NL Central divisions. Why am I doing the middle last? Just because! That’s why.

American League Central– The funny thing about this division is that- aside from the Sox- I sort of like every team in it. And it’s perty much up fer grabs this year.

Minnesota Twins: The Twinkies first week of home games at their new stadium will all be snowed out. Justin Morneau will see “Gone With The Wind” for the first time and LOVE it.

Chicago White Sox: Ozzie Guillen will engage in combat with a large rat in the underbellies of Wrigley Field. Just when Ozzie thinks he’s beaten the unusually sized rodent, 45 more of them will appear from out of nowhere and overtake him.

Detroit Tigers: In May, Rick Porcello will break two fingers on his pitching hand. The cause of this unfortunate injury will be shrouded in mystery, but let’s just say the Tigers won’t be playing Spoons in the clubhouse any more.

Cleveland Indians: Shin-Soo Choo will sneeze during an at bat against Kansas City and- for whatever reason- everyone will think it’s hilarious.

Kansas City Royals: Kyle Farnsworth’s arm will spontaneously combust. Alberto Callaspo will adopt a pet tortoise called Mr. Skittles and he’ll become the toast of the clubhouse.

National League Central– So it’s the worst division in baseball, yada yada. I know. I’m sick of hearing it, OK?

Chicago Cubs: Won’t be as bad as everyone thinks, but still won’t be as good as everyone hopes.

Cincinnati Reds: Daniel Ray Herrera will be found to have falsified birth certificate (he is actually 11 years old.) Brandon Phillips will pull a muscle in his face from smiling too hard. Milwaukee Brewers: In August, I will write the funniest Prince Fielder joke you have ever heard. Corey Hart won’t wear sunglasses at night, but people will still makes jokes about it. Ugh.

Houston Astros: *Someone* will plant miniature explosives aboard the Minute Maid Park train. Wandy Rodriguez will meet Nick Wandless and magical things will happen.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Ryan Doumit will return to his home planet. Unfortunately, he does not bring the Pirate Parrot with him.

St. Louis Cardinals: Scientists and experts the world over will pronounce all inhabitants of the earth goners when it appears our planet is about to collide with a large meteor that has suddenly and inexplicably appeared in outer space. Before there is even much time for widespread panic to ensue, Albert Pujols will fly to meet this monstrosity in the sky. He will then use a special NASA-engineered Louisville Slugger to belt the meteor a billion miles an hour in the opposite direction, thus saving the earth and all who dwell here. Mr. Pujols will return quietly to playing 1st base for the Cardinals, but everyone will forget how- only two weeks before- Chris Carpenter, Matt Holliday, and Adam Wainwright valiantly teamed up to rescue a litter of kittens that were trapped in a burning warehouse.


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