In light of the little skirmish between Aramis Ramirez and Carlos Silva in the dugout during yesterday’s exhibition against the Brewers, I have prepared a few rational suggestions to help the Cubs avoid such kerfuffles in the future. Because displays like that are neither respectable nor acceptable in this sport (hockey, of course, is another matter entirely.)
1. To reduce tension and support connectivity, have disgruntled parties hold hands while discussing and resolving the conflict.
2. Keep mugs of hot, soothing chamomile tea in the dugout so that players can calm their nerves between innings. Other things to consider keeping on hand: teddy bears for hugging, rain-forest and beach sounds CDs, sprigs of fresh lavender or eucalyptus, foot spas.
3. Hire a team psychologist. Oh, wait…
4. Single out those most likely to cause trouble (I’m not naming names) and put shock collars on them. Then, if they try to start anything… Zzzzt!
5. Make it clear that scuffling with the other boys is not acceptable behavior. Institute mandatory time-outs for those who violate this rule… one minute of time-out per year of the offender’s age (that’s 32 minutes for you, Mr. Silva!)
6. Realize that it’s stinking Spring Training and whatever it is you’re upset about really doesn’t matter.