I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

In January, I posted a collection of a few of the perplexing, amusing search terms that led internet searchers to The FBB. I really get a kick out of some of these… gleaning them may take months, but it’s worth it. Some are funny and some just leave me scratching my head. In any case, here is another crop. Enjoy. (Note that once again all these “Googlings” have been left exactly as they were; no corrections in spelling, grammar, etc., have been made.)


tim lincecum bed bath and beyond girlfriend : If it was just “Tim Lincecum Bed Bath & Beyond”, or just “Tim Lincecum girlfriend”, I could understand. Combining them, though? What were you hoping to uncover with that?

judd sirott no longer doing cubs play by play : Knowing the popular opinion regarding Judd Sirott, I guess this is what one would call wishful Googling.

nutella derek jeter: One of those that I don’t understand, but I love. LOVE.

joe mauer eyelash: And another of those.

 advantages of a jumbotron in a small town: I can’t think of any.

cliff lee charming: He is, isn’t he?

is darwin barney north korean or south korean?

is darwin barney his real name

darwin barney’s last name: A face-palm triple header.

 my emails from mrs carlos and mrs dempster.: Maybe try looking in your inbox.

how can baseball be a good thing for kids: How can it NOT be?

americans listen to wgn radio every day: We do?

what does a rat as big as a tigers look like: Like THIS.

 evan longoria psychic

matt garza is adorable: In a muppety kind of way.

who died in the boston tea party: Uhhh, nobody?

town virginia boston tea party: Boston is in Massachusetts. The last time I checked.


 suitted babies

“doctor who” fruit: I don’t know how this led to The FBB, but I am thrilled. It gives me an excuse to post this:

 people with extraterrestrial resemblance: RYAN DOUMIT!!! Is it just a resemblance, though? I’m not so sure. And I’m betting whoever searched this isn’t, either.

marlon byrd loves me: So does Jesus!

the darwin barney initiative: Who searched this? I need to know. Whoever you are, you’re my favorite.


Hot Toaster Report: “To set but a low value upon toast is to expose one’s deficiencies in right appreciation.”

While everyone else is preheating their hot-stoves, I’m plugging in the toaster here at the FBB. Last year, I referred to my hot-stove posts as “hot soup” reports. I’m moving on from that title mostly as a favor to all the people who mistakenly land on this site by Googling soup recipes. From here on, it will be Hot Toaster Reports. Why toaster? Because my reporting is about as comprehensive as toast (read: not very.) So grab your margarine and blackberry jam and sit back.


Cubs crumbs*

From what I understand, mon Cubbies will be trying to fill three holes this off season. Jim Hendry’s shopping list consists of a first baseman (preferably left-handed), an extra arm for the bullpen, and another starting pitcher. A trade or two is also likely in store.

My topic of concern today is the possibility that the Cubs will sign Adam Dunn.

I shake my head that Mr. Dunn is being considered (and, from what I’ve heard, coveted) now. Because now I do not particularly want him. Two years ago when, for reasons unknown, Milton Bradley was the Cubs number one target, I desperately wanted to get Adam Dunn instead. And Mr. Dunn wanted to be a Cub himself, if my memory serves me (it usually does.) Why did I so greatly desire his services? At the time, I was head-over-heels in love with the idea of secondary average. Chalk that up to an overdose of Bill James (if such a thing is possible.) Adam Dunn has one of the greatest career secondary averages in history (he is 7th all time, behind only guys like Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Barry Bonds and Ted Williams and ahead of guys like Lou Gehrig.) So, there’s that.

While I’m sure I would still enjoy seeing a long-time Cub killer actually on our side, taking obscene numbers of walks and routinely depositing baseballs onto Waveland Avenue, I am not on the Adam Dunn happy-train today as I was a few years ago. And it isn’t even his defensive skills, strikeout rate, or lack of offensive versatility that are making me wary. If he signed a one or two year deal for a reasonable rate, I could tolerate those things. But the idea of signing a player of Mr. Dunn’s age and skill-set for a lot of years and a lot of money frustrates me. I mean no offense to Mr. Dunn. I wouldn’t want the Cubs to sign Carlos Pena, either, and I love Carlos Pena. I’m not going to pretend to know what the best course of action in filling the vacancy at first actually is, but I’m pretty certain that it is not acquiring Adam Dunn.

*Yes, I will be taking the toast metaphor as far as I possibly can.


Just a quick thought about Cliff Lee. The premier name in the free agent pool, it is assumed by pretty much everyone that Mr. Lee will be a Yankee. Everyone will probably turn out to be right. I just think it’s important to remember that he was already “a Yankee” once this year. You know? So I’m not just gonna out and say, “Hey! Have fun with that the next few years, American League East, ” even if I am thinking it. Which I am.

2010 MLB Year in Superlatives: Part One

The 2010 Major League baseball season is officially over and done with. Now that the off-season  has commenced, I can think of nothing better to do than to take a look back at the events, the highs and lows, the quirks of 2010. Lets think of it as a baseball funeral… but let us not consider it a sad event, the passing away of this season. Instead let us celebrate the wonder of the season that was!

This is the first of two FBB installments on the 2010 MLB Year in Superlatives.


Most Bizarre Injuries: On the American League side the distinction goes to the Angels Kendry Morales for breaking his leg in the happy victory huddle at home plate after he’d hit a walk off grand slam. A happy victory huddle never turned into a sad defeat huddle so fast. I bestow the title #1 freaky injury on the National League side upon Tyler Colvin (who we now- thankfully- know for sure is not a vampire.)

Honorable mentions: Mat Latos, who went down holding in a sneeze and Marcus Thames, who tripped on his own bat and landed on the DL.

Greatest commercial cameo: Randy Johnson’s snowball bit for Geico. I can’t be the only one who thought this was stinking funny.

Biggest surprise(s): First, the San Diego Padres. They may have just missed the playoffs, but who expected them to even be close? I know I didn’t. Second, Jose Bautista. The man is 30 years old, was entering his seventh year in the majors, was playing for his sixth team, and nobody knew his name. Guys like that don’t usually end up hitting 54 home runs.

Biggest disappointment: Who else is deeply embarrassed for thinking that the Seattle Mariners would be good this year? I know I’m not the only guilty party. The really sad thing is that they weren’t just not-good. They were the very definition of stinky.

Happiest news out of Japan: The at-last unleashed offensive fury of Matt Murton. I always knew he had it in him.

Best Names from the Draft: Corderius Dodd. Trugg Larsson-Danforth. Roderick Shoulders. Theophilus Griffin. Sebastian Vader. Gauntlett Eldemire.

Best Worst Headline: Pirates’ plan is to acquire talent from Draft

Worst Gun-Jumping Journalism: Remember when, for a few hours, Cliff Lee was “traded to the Yankees”?

Best Slide: Fordham’s Brian Kownacki turned in not just the best slide of this year, but perhaps the greatest slide in history.

Photo of the Year: Or at least, photo-of-the-year-that-looks-like-it-would-be-a-painting.

Photo of the post-season: Does anyone in this picture really have a clue what they are doing with their hands?

Weirdest Photo of the Year: Xavier Nady is not the man you think he is.

Feel-good moment of the year: Dallas Braden’s perfect game on Mother’s Day had to be 2010’s warmest, fuzziest event.


Look for 2010 MLB Year in Superlatives: Part Two coming up later this week!

“Toasted Ranger, anyone?”

Before I say anything, let me just state that the title of this post does not imply that I assume Texas is toast (Rhyme!) I simply happened to have the quote in my database and figured a more opportune time to use it was not likely to soon present itself.

The Rangers may not be toast yet, but the fact is, they have their backs to the wall. Both their fans and bloggers who picked them to win are now nervous. Coming back isn’t impossible, but it ain’t looking likely.

Tonight’s game will feature the repeat match-up of Timmy Lincecum and Cliff Lee. While the first go-around of this battle-of-aces was a thorough disappointment, I think round two will be different. I think (or at least hope) that both pitchers will be their acey selves this time. But who has the edge? This is the way I see it, broken down into a few important factors:

Track Records : This is Mr. Lincecum’s first postseason and World Series, and only Mr. Lee’s second so this factor doesn’t hold too much weight. Both pitchers have performed very well in their limited postseason experience. I see the scales tipped ever so slightly in Mr. Lee’s favor.

Composure: Not that Timmy is uncomposed or anything, but this category I also give to Mr. Lee. He always seems to eat pressure for brunch.

Hair: If any pitcher is capable of drawing some Samsonian power from his locks, it is Mr. Lincecum.

Height: Mr. Lee obviously gets this one. Sorry, Tim… it’s only fair.

Hitting: Unfortunately, neither pitcher will get to hit tonight in Texas. Cliff Lee would best Mr. Lincecum if they did. I consider it a true shame he’s been an American League lifer.

Middle Names: This one is tough. Clifton Phifer Lee or Timothy LeRoy Lincecum. In the end, I have to go with Mr. Lincecum purely because another great pitcher by the name of Halladay also bears the middle name LeRoy.

Offense & Defense: Who will be face the tougher batters, and who will be better supported their teammates? It’s impossible to know for sure. On one hand, Texas put forward some of the best offensive stats of any team during the regular season. On the other hand, the Rangers bats have been effectively silenced thus far and the Giants hitters have burst out from outta nowhere. On a third hand, it is hard to believe that such a potent offense as Texas has will be kept at bay for very long. Whether it is too late for them to salvage the series or not, I feel that the Rangers offense will do enough to support Mr. Lee tonight.

The Bottom Line: I’m giving this one to Cliff Lee and his Rangers. I think they will live to fight another day. There is still, of course, the very real possibility that tonight’s game will be the last of the 2010 Major League Baseball season. I highly recommend tuning in. You know… just in case.

R is for Rookie

In honor of the American and National League Championship Series, we’re going to take a fun little stroll down memory lane and revisit what some of the more prominent players looked like as rookies (or, even better, minor leaguers.) Why? Because it’s fun.



Tim Lincecum: Insert your own caption here. My head is about to explode with all the possibilities…

Jimmy Rollins: You know how in some sitcoms they’ll do flashback episodes and give the main characters ridiculous hairstyles to communicate the point that they’re supposed to be younger? It’s the sort of thing audiences laugh at because it is so silly and unrealistic. Yet if you put a braided wig on Jimmy Rollins now… would he not look exactly the same as he does on this card?

Harry Leroy Halladay:

Jayson Werth: I know that I have posted this photo before, but I simply can’t get over it.ALCS

Kerry Wood: Before he lost the baby fat.

CC Sabathia: His baby fat never went anywhere.

Derek Jeter: I could have produced an entire gallery of just amusing Derek Jeter rookie photos. Not even joking.

Josh Hamilton: The face is the same… the forearms, not so much.

Vladimir Guerrero: When Vladdy was but a laddy.

Cliff Lee: Clifton Phifer Lee looks exactly the same now as he did 8 years ago. Ten bucks says that another 8 years won’t change him a bit, either.

Hot Soup Report: “Shhh! I gotta focus. I’m shifting into soup mode.”

The hot stove hasn’t been so hot for much of this offseason, and that is my excuse for neglecting the hot soup reports. Now there is suddenly a whole pile of soup-worthy tidbits. I’m just going to jump right in.


The big news since yesterday is the Roy Halladay deal, which has all but been finalized. Mr. Halladay will go to Philadelphia, Cliff Lee will go to Seattle and a tidy bundle of prospects will go to Toronto. It’s hardly thrilling to have Mr. Halladay join the National League. At the same time, I remember back when Johan Santana made the jump and we all thought nobody else would have a chance to win the Cy Young for years upon years to come. Not that that means anything. I’m just blabbering, trying to pretend that this move means anything to me. The Cubs will likely face Mr. Halladay and lose, yes. We probably would have faced Cliff Lee and lost as well. So what can I say?

The only other monumental trade was the Curtis Granderson tragedy, which I did mention previously.


Chone Figgins (Mariners): I was surprised how quickly this went down. I’ll tell you one thing… everybody is talking about Roy Halladay and such. Nobody seems to be noticing the Mariners. They’re getting things done, boy. They signed Mr. Figgins and have now traded for Cliff Lee. I’d say they’re looking pretty good. When one further considers that the Angels are losing Mr. Figgins, as well as John Lackey, well… one has to think that the AL West is gonna be a little more interesting this year.

John Lackey (Red Sox): Since his name already came up anyway… I don’t have anything to say about Mr. Lackey, besides that I’m not much of a fan. I randomly felt glad that the Cubs don’t have money to spend on such individuals this year.

Jason Kendall (Royals): I like Jason Kendall. I’m glad he isn’t a Brewer any more. For the record, I don’t like him so much because of the brief time he spent as a Cub (although he was charming in pinstripes), but because I used to enjoy his breakfast cereal.

Hideki Matsui (Angels): The only comments I can think of for this are attacks on the DH “position,” so I’ll refrain.

Randy Wolf (Brewers): Somehow, I don’t feel threatened.

Ivan Rodriguez (Nationals): This year, Pudge will become a lock to win the ‘Player-I’ve-seen-play-with-the-most-different-teams’ prize. Wherever this man goes, I end up seeing him play.

Mike Cameron (Red Sox): This pretty much narrows the Cubbies’ options for center-fielder down to Marlon Byrd. Unless we trade for someone. I vote for trying to talk the Yankees into giving us Brett Gardner. Otherwise, just give Sam Fuld or Tyler Colvin the job.

There are a bajillion other signings, but what interesting can really be said about Pedro Feliz to the Astros, or Bobby Crosby to the Pirates? This brings us to…

The Remaining Free Agents

Jason Bay: He won’t be returning to the Red Sox, according to the latest from MLBtraderumors.com. The front runners are said to be the Mets, Angels and Mariners, and the Yankees are “interested” (When are they not?) I want to see it down to the Angels and Mariners, don’t you? AL WEST INTRIGUE!

Matt Holliday: The Cardinals have, to my chagrin, made Mr. Holliday an offer for some obscene amount of money. If I was in power in St. Lou, the offer would have been: a box of Peeps from last Easter, a used copy of the original ‘Oregon Trail’ on CD-rom, a home-made Christmas tree ornament, and $1.42 in pocket change (lint included.) And that is my final offer. Not because I think ill of Matt Holliday, but because in this scenario I am obviously a mole trying to take St. Louis down from the inside.

Mark DeRosa: My offer to Mr. DeRosa would be the exhumed remains of my sweet baby turtle and a black shoelace. Anything to get him out of a Cardinals uniform.

Final Notes

The Pittsburgh Pirates picked up former Marlin prospect John Raynor in this year’s rule 5 draft. Here’s hoping he sticks! REBEL ALUMNI POWER!!!

Matt Murton, a former Cub and favorite of mine, will be pursuing his baseball career in Japan. I just want to publicly wish him the best. He’s a talented guy. I hope he finally gets a real chance to play and mops up over there.